Hope and Faith

In Sya Allah, I’m due to go through another cycle of IVF after Aidilfitri… I’ve collected my meds in April to induce my menses (it’s still highly irregular 😕), but my husband and I agreed to time it so that we could go through Ramadhan without having to go through the countless injections and tiresome doc visits.

Like I’ve shared in my previous post, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may not be a mom and it’ll be OK, In Sya Allah. But it does not mean we can’t continue to HOPE and pursue, right? Plus the fact that the big G is still providing grants for up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles…so why not? 😂 Not everyday the big G gives so much money to its citizens, so MUST take these opportunities while I still can!!! 😝 Hehehe…

Well, while I wait for time to pass by, I’ve been thinking a lot about adoption too. We had thought and considered it a few times before, and perhaps this is one of those such times. I’ve encountered quite a number of advertisements, articles and shared videos about adoption in the past 3 weeks, and tonight, I decided to check out the terms, conditions, and procedures for adopting. And wow…! I mean, a friend did tell me that it would be time-consuming but wow, I didn’t think it would involve so many processes! I didn’t realise I’m really quite clueless about this adoption option! Yikes! 😱😳

One of the ways how we could find a child to adopt is through relatives or friends. Ermm.. How exactly do people approach us to let us know that there is a child for us to hold, love and call as our own..? Hmm.. Especially if within the extended family. Wouldn’t it be…awkward I’d imagine? No? *shrugs*

Anyway, perhaps we shall seriously consider adopting if the next IVF is unsuccessful. I mean…if Allah wills it to be so, then we shall walk with the flow with open arms and have FAITH that everything will fall into place eventually. I wouldn’t even mind if the little one has an extra chromosome. Really. Such blessed children they are, my lil special ones. I will always have a soft spot for our extraordinary beloved ones. ❤💙💚💛💜

😘😘😘

Advertisements

7th December 2016

​Today is exactly a year since we embarked on our IVF journey. Not many know, but we actually started my fertility treatment soon after we were married. I knew my irregular menses would pose some difficulties, so I started early to try to regulate it. Never expected for us to need to go past those hormonal drugs….

Well, for those relatives and friends who kept telling me to try harder all these times, I’ve been through dozens of hormonal pill cycles, countless of lab investigations – blood work and xrays, 2 operations, an SO-IUI (which in itself was a variety of works), even seeking 3 opinions, traditional massages and medicines, acupuncture, and there’s also my 2 IVF procedures – fresh and frozen. So don’t dare tell me I’m not trying hard enough!

No, today’s post is not about ranting. It’s not. In fact, today’s post is about acceptance and letting go. You see, I’ve been holding on too tightly that some day, I shall be a mom. Maybe In Sya Allah, one day I still shall. But in the meantime, I am ready to also accept that maybe I won’t. I’m not saying that I’m giving up hope. No. I’m just saying that I am now prepared not to be able to bear my own children.

During my very recent Umrah trip, I had a conversation with some of the ladies about my work, and one of them stunned me with her lovely words… “Jangan cakap dia takde anak-anak, semua anak murid dia – itulah anak-anak dia. Begitu ramai anak-anak yang dia ada, lebih banyak daripada kita semua.” (“Don’t say she has no children, all her students – those are her children. She has more children than any of us.”) Masya Allah. How beautiful and kind her words are. I almost teared upon hearing them. She went on to talk more about the benefits of my work (teaching children with special needs), and I just stayed silent, listening to her indirectly consoling me with her beautiful words. Masya Allah, I felt so calm listening to her. It’s as though she knew what I was going through.

This same lady, she hugged and kissed me so tightly when she saw me tearing after one of my supplications. She then shared with me about her own life story, and I’m so humbled by her sharing – her trials and sacrifices, then her complete faith in Him about her jodoh (soulmate). She was married in her 40s, and has 2 kids afterwards. Indeed, Allah works in His perfect timing. Masya Allah, our pilgrimage group was a bunch of beautiful people from all walks of life, with such diverse background and stories. Truly, we are all differently blessed and it’s an eye-opener to listen to everybody’s stories, and then the love, care and support we had for each other, it’s amazing. Strangers we may be when we depart, but friends and family we are when we landed home.

There’s of course other incidents (before, during and after my trip) which lead me to this peace of mind, but those stories are for my own heart and soul. What I can share is – while I may not know when my next IVF schedule is (if I start my fresh cycle now, work will just inconvenience and mess up the whole timeline), what I do know is…I’m in such a better place right now than I was 5 months ago. My heartache is no more, I am no longer angry with myself and I no longer pause and tear when I look at photos of my fertilised embryos. Those photos shall now serve as a reminder of His timing, that we may only plan and fantasize of what we hope will become, but ultimately, He decides when He wants to give and how.

The longing will always be there I’m sure. But I shall pray that with each longing, I shall also be blessed with continuous love and support from those around me… Including hugs and kisses from the lil pitter patters of others.

With each longing also, we shall continue to pray for our own tiny feet in the meantime, perhaps may not be in this lifetime, but definitely in Jannah.

In Sya Allah, Amiin… 

The Unexplained

It’s been a long while… During my post FET appt with the doc, I plucked up the courage to ask the doctor the big question: Were my embryos ever attached to me? Doc said no. :/ My hcg were a flat 0 both times. I was never pregnant. So the symptoms I had…were all from the drugs I was taking. The swollen boobies…the nausea…everything.. All from the drugs. Sigh.. We then discussed further, and I remembered coming out feeling confused and slightly apprehensive. Doc said everything else went as smoothly as can be during both times. Even when they predicted that I would probably have OHSS due to my large number of eggs, but my body responded clinically well. As I had never been with this doc, he made a thorough check to inform me well. We concluded that I had implantation issues, even though all my many investigations that I’ve done showed that I should not have any issues at all. So I was confused and slightly apprehensive simply because I was caught off guard and realised…the issue I had was unexplainable! And that confused me. Was it better to have things unexplained or have me told that I have a big problem? I don’t know which was worse.

Well of course I cried a bit that night. Who wouldn’t? To be told that things were supposed to go as planned but dont know why it didn’t and that its unexplainable. But that only made me realise, that Allah indeed has other plans for me. It’s not that our eggs and sperm are unhealthy, nor my hormones levels were way imbalanced, it’s just that really it’s not time yet for me to be a mom. Of course that made me a bit sad, but hey, that does not mean I can’t continue to pray to be blessed or keep trying right?

After a few days of thought and discussion, I decided to try traditional methods again while I wait to do another round of fresh IVF at the end of the year. So yeah, I’m back to traditional massages, as well as acupuncture! Overcame my fears and finally tried it! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, and I’m pleasantly surprised that my period finally came after 2 sessions! I told the Chinese Physician (specialising in fertility) that my goal for acupuncture is to regulate my menses, after which, we could work towards furthering the fertility acupuncture. She’s quite cute, and even with some communication issues, I really like her. 😂 The herbal drink that I had to take was a whole different story though. It was YUCKY. Smells awful and tasted worse. Alhamdulillah I read that I could add honey without upsetting the herbal nutritional balance. Hehehe.. The physician also told me to track my body basal temperature. Not easy! I had a hard time remembering to take my temperature once I wake up AND jotting it down! Anybody have this issue? Or is it just me? Gosh.. I’m so bad at tracking. Tsk tsk..

With so many things and upcoming changes going on at work,  I am praying hard that I am able to keep up with the stress and keep myself balanced. I’m already feeling emo the past few weeks, and sigh…I admit I am feeling more ergh nowadays. Not sad ergh~, but like irritated ergh.. And I do not know why.. :/ Post menses emotions perhaps.. 😂😂😂

Reflections

It’s been a while.. I wasn’t quite in a writing mood during my 2ww, and was further not after my beta test…which was a negative. I had lost my “twins”… 😥 The nurse who called me was very apologetic, and I tried not to break down when she gave me the news. I was at my parent’s that morning, my dad sent me to the hospital and we went home together soon after the blood test. I didn’t want to stick around not doing anything, since it was Ramadhan anyway, so I thought I could get some nap while waiting.

Well, after the call, I stayed calm and collected, and decided to cab home, just so I could have my alone time. I told myself that it was Allah’s plan, that it wasn’t my time to be a mom yet. Amazingly I stayed strong…..until my husband came home that afternoon and gave me a hug, did I finally break down. I didn’t cry hard, I just teared… I teared like 2 more times that day, but by the time I did my Terawih (night), I was feeling better again. Alhamdulillah, prayers worked wonderfully for me, and I managed to immerse myself into my afternoon and night prayers calmly.

It has been almost a week since the call, and I’m finally due to be back in school tomorrow. My hospitalization leave ended on Saturday, but am grateful for this school holiday today. At least tomorrow is a short half day, before Aidilfitri dawns upon us the day after. I still have time to get myself in the groove for work. My students have been lovely too, checking up on me, although they do not know why I’m on leave.

As I reflect on my Ramadhan, I’m thankful for a much blessed holy month. Although it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, but I’m still grateful for the smooth journey and the company, support and love of friends and family. I’m Ok. I’ve accepted all that has happened. I’m moving on. Thank you kind friends and family who have messaged me to check on me. I love you all. 🙂

To the sister who quietly cried during Taraweeh (shared article)

I thought this was a great article to share, taken from http://www.healthymuslimah.com/sister-quietly-cried-taraweeh/. I teared reading the article, how close and real it felt to me… To the writer, thank you. 😙

TO THE SISTER WHO QUIETLY CRIED DURING TARAWEEH

As we prayed isha and taraweeh, the sister next to me quietly cried.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many sisters in that room were in pain, and facing some trial, silently, and bravely, as we came together to worship Allah in prayer. And you’d never know…

How many were calling out to Allah for His Mercy, knowing that He is the only One who can relieve their distress, forgive them, set right their affairs, and only in His remembrance would their hearts find rest?

Trials are the nature of this dunya and everyone is facing something,

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.” Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided. Surat Al Baqarah: 155 – 157

I wanted to take a moment to write to all of the sisters who are struggling this Ramadan, who are facing trials, who feel like their hearts have been shattered into a thousand pieces…

TO: THE SISTER WHO CRIED QUIETLY IN TARAWEEH AND ALL THOSE STRUGGLING THIS RAMADAN

The sister who is exhausted,

The sister who is heartbroken,

The sister who feels overwhelmed with it all,

The sister who feels numb, because so much has happened,

The sister who feels disconnected, from people and from her Lord,

The sister who is spending Ramadan by herself,

The sister who is lonely because she’s alone,

The sister who is lonely in her marriage,

The sister who cries every night, to her Lord, knowing He is the only One who can help her,

The sister who is unable to fast this Ramadan because of health reasons. She feels left out, disconnected from the ummah and all she wants to do is fast for the sake of Allah, but she knows she can’t,

The sister who is no longer able to make sujood because her body is failing her… as her disease progresses, her muscles have stopped working. Alhamdullilah, she can still walk – with help, but she doesn’t know for how much longer,

The sister who is struggling with invisible illness – in pain and battling to get through each day, putting on a brave face, trying to stay positive and not let the comments ‘But you look fine’ get to her,

The sister who has been told by the doctors that she only has a few years left. They don’t know exactly how long,

The sister who has been trying for a baby for years, and endures regular hurtful and probing comments from others. She knows children are from Allah, but still, she feels the pinch of their words,

The sister who has had IVF so many times, but still remains childless,

The sister who miscarried, again, and felt like a piece of her heart broke when she lost her baby,

The sister who is trying her best to fulfil her obligations and take care of her kids, but is so so tired,

The sister who has lost someone she loves, and she misses them everyday,

The sister who was recently diagnosed with cancer. They don’t yet know if it’s spread,

The sister who is battling cancer and the treatment is grueling,

The sister whose eyesight is fading,

The sister whose child is sick, very sick,

The sister whose child has been hurt,

The sister who is struggling with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues,

The sister who is struggling with oppression,

The sister whose world has been devastated and her life scattered by shocking news,

The sister whose marriage and home is emotionally turbulent,

The sister who is widowed and struggling to get through each day, trying to support herself and her children, one step at a time,

The sister who is divorced and heartbroken, and trying to get back on her feet, one step at a time,

The sister struggling to find work, who needs to pay the bills,

The sister facing eviction and homelessness,

The sister who doesn’t know how she’s going to feed her children tonight,

The sister from Syria, whose city and country have been destroyed, who doesn’t know anyone that hasn’t lost someone they love. All she wants to do is go home, but she can’t,

The sister who is living in a refugee camp, relying on charity to feed and clothe her and her children. She’s alone this Ramadan. Her husband didn’t make it on the boat crossing,

The sister who is walking, carrying her children and the few belongings they managed to save. Walking, hoping that wherever they are walking to will be safer than where they have come from,

To every one of you, and all the other sisters who are facing innumerable challenges, my love and du’a go out to you this Ramadan. Know, dear sister, your solace and comfort lies with Allah, Ar-Rahman, the source of our relief and the reliever of our distress. He is Able to Do All Things.

Turn to Him and cry. Pour your heart out to Him. He is the One who can bring you ease, who can set right your affairs, who can relieve the burden that is weighing on your heart and know, for your patience, your reward awaits you in Jannah, in shaa Allah, a place where there is no sorrow or hardship; only eternal bliss and closeness to your Lord.

This life is temporary and surely we know we will be tested but this life will also be over in the blink of an eye, and the reward in the Hereafter is beyond our imaginings, so hold on to Allah in your darkest hours, when you feel like there is no one else in the world.

Hold on to Him and know, with absolute certainty that He will never leave you, never let you down and that your reward lies with Him. He is the Most Merciful, and He is ever near.

BE KIND TO EVERYONE

As I wrote this, it was a reminder to myself, first and foremost, that we never know what others may be facing in silence. The sister next to you in salat could be facing the greatest trial of her life.

As we pray tonight and every night in Ramadan, let’s remember the sisters who are struggling in our du’a.

And as we move through this blessed month and beyond, let’s make the effort to be compassionate, to help where we can, to ease the burden of others if we are able, to be patient and to be kind to everyone.

A smile and a kind word to your sister might be a ray of light in the darkness of her day.

Your silent du’a for her might be answered.

The wait begins 🕞🕓🕟

Today is transfer day. Alhamdulillah, both my embryos survived the thawing process. In fact, they multiplied further overnight! 🙂

I shall write about the transfer another day… It was purely dramatic just now!! 😂 Meanwhile, rest and wait will be what I’ll be doing till test day… Have a great weekend ahead all! 😙

Day 14 Scan

Alhamdulillah. The scan went well. My lining is excellent, at 9mm. The nurse said average is usually 7, so mine’s good. The embryologist will thaw my 2 embryos on Thursday morning and by afternoon/early evening, the nurse will call to inform me if my 2 embies survive the process. I’m nervous about the thawing, but I’m praying for the best. The nurse said 95% of the time, embryos do survive the thawing. So let’s pray my embryos are strong little ones and make it through, Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.

In Sya Allah, if all goes well, Friday will be transfer day. 😊 In the meantime, I need to continue my Progynova and start on Crinone. 💪

image

Progynova side effects

Does anyone find it confusing that hormonal tablets often have side effects that are similar to being pregnant???

I think Progynova has gotta be my top hormonal pill that gives me a variety of side effects which are exactly pregnancy symptoms! Acid reflux, tender breasts, nausea, mild cramping, etc.. I can’t stand the nausea and acid reflux the most. I really did vomit out my dinner this morning. It was not much, but enough. Symptoms seem to be the worst within 2-3 hours of consuming the tablets. My appetite seem to be ok, although I do note I am eating in smaller proportions nowadays.

I am also making a habit to eat dates with my Progynova, as advised by dad. Ramadhan is finally here, so hopefully my symptoms somewhat decreases as I eat less..?

Salam Ramadhan to all!~

Phase 2, Medicated Thaw Cycle

Today is Day 1 of my Progynova pills. If I remember correctly, this is to trigger my hormones (the injection taken previously was to create a temporary menopause so that the hormones can be triggered as and when) and to create a good lining. I need to keep track of the pill intake as it increases every 4 days. I read that some ladies experience wild emotions while on this pill. Yikes! With the coming Ramadhan, I hope my emotions will regulate itself, In Sya Allah.

Will need to return to the hospital in 13 days for a scan to see if I’m ready for the transfer. I’m kinda glad I’m on this medicated treatment as it means I do not need to go down to the hospital regularly. Just pop in the hormonal medications and go to the hospital at certain days and wait till I’m ready for transfer, that’s it! The day is getting nearer, and I’m so nervous about it! My parents already have some conditions for me during this phase, and so I’m on complete rest this June while I undergo the treatment. Thankfully it’s the school holidays, so I can technically get my full rest.

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim… Praying for a smooth journey throughout!

Down and blue

I have to admit I’m showing signs of frustration. Today, nothing I ate tasted right. Everything tasted either bland, or my tummy just refused to acknowledge food and shuts down. I’m hungry and I miss food. 😦

This has gotta be the worst side effects ever. I had lost my appetite before, but nothing to this extent. What is making me feel more miserable is the fact that my menses is somewhat erratic. 15 days on, it is still alternating between light flow and spotting. The nurse did say that my body may be just adjusting itself to the mercilon, but I do hope it’ll somewhat stabilizes soon.

I catch myself feeling down and blue the past few days, and wondered if I should have taken leave and just rest from the start. But I take comfort that the term is ending very soon and I should get my rest when June comes…hopefully. Must remind myself to slow down, take a breather… :/

My bum still hurts from the jab by the way. 😐